Caught Off Guard By My Inner Child

I was recently watching our one and only home video from when I was a little girl while visiting family with my kids. I have been processing ever since then why watching myself ice skating as a 7 year old with a mushroom cut made me emotional. When the tears started forming while watching, I was in shock and didn't understand why this is upsetting me now as a 33 year old.

What I've been realizing slowly is that my inner child was needing to the validated. While the home video showed fun times and me smiling, my life was highly dysfunctional and I was always a little lost and sad. I never truly felt like I belonged anywhere and the trauma that was unfolding for me at that time and for the years afterwards, I never really realized how traumatic they were until I started healing myself and reparenting.

See my parents (and all parents), do the best they can with the tools and knowledge that they have at the time. But hurts often leave a lasting impression on a child.

What really stuck out to me as well while visiting family that I have not seen in a while is that for all the time I spent with them growing up, no one actually really knew me. I never talked about what was going on at home or how I was feeling. I conformed to fit in and feel like I belonged, wherever that was. And I believe that this pattern started around the time of the home video.

I am used to replying with nonchalance about what my childhood was like. As it was just a non-negotiable piece of who I was. But bringing my kids into my childhood through visiting family and watching the home video, brought a fresh perspective and after explaining what it was like for me growing up, my son (who coincidentally is 7) looked at me and said: "I feel sad for you mom."

Most of the responses to my upbringing was cultivated by the adults around me, it was just what happened...but hearing the child-like innocence and perspective of my son made me see things in a new light.

I have done a lot of inner child work before, but as new layers unfold and are exposed, it allows us to go deeper into our healing. Seeing myself as that 7 year old brought tears to my eyes because no one else (including myself) was sad for me at that time. We were all just going through the motions of what needed to happen. I got emotional because my inner child wanted to be seen stripped away of that adult responsibility and seen in the innocence of a 7 year old. I was sad and lonely. And I felt that inside of my adult body because I never acknowledged that before.

Inner child healing work is very potent and powerful stuff. It sheds a light where we may not even know there is darkness. The unfolding of layers that energetic healing allows is a continual journey and evolution. The best thing that we can do is just be open and curious to it as it comes up. At times, like for me, somethings need to be processed for a bit before it makes sense.

If you're feeling a call to dig deeper, book a session with me and we can dive in.